Here is a collection of Limericks from the dirty minds of SMU
WARNING these are probably the DIRTIEST ones around so if you
don't want to read em delete em.
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for those left...
Best extract it now and read at your leisure
I claim NO responsibility for these pieces of filth
There was a young lady of Arden,
The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
Said she with a frown,
"I've been sadly let down
by the tool of the fool in the garden."
There was a you girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude-
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
There was a youn lady of Bicester
Who was nicer by far than her sister:
The sister would giggle
and wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl,"You're a tight one."
She said," 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one!"
"To pun or not to pun,
whether 'tis nobler to suffer
the unbearable boredom of listening
to someone's bad jokes or through
lack of judgement, interrupt with
your own."
These once was a man from Calcutta
He got his dick caught in a gutter
With the tropical heat
had melted his meat,
And turned his dick into butter.
There once was a man named Lou
He took a trip in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
And feeling his penis
He awoke with a hand full of goo
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, "You're in luck,
He's a stunning good fuck,
I've had him myself down in Leicester."
One for the ladies:
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's wang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too!"
There was a young man from Kent
Whose cock was so long it was bent
To stay out of trouble
He stuck it in double
And instead of cumming, he went!
There once was a lady from France
Who got onto a train in a trance
Everyone fucked her
except the conductor
Who shot off his load in his pants
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon.
He hadn't the luck
to be born with a fuck
he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon!
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when you came,
"Oh dear, what a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
There once was a young man of Dumfries
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!"
I ONCE KNEW A MAN FROM NACEEN
WHO INVENTED A FUCKING MACHINE!
IT WAS CONCAVE AND CONVEX
SO IT COULD TAKE EITHER SEX,
BUT OH! WHAT A BASTARD TO CLEAN!!!
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Who said,"You are utterly wrong
To say my vagina
's the largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."
There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife
Why it ruins my life;
And the worst is, they all do it well."
There once was a Gerbil named Raymond
Who used to suck men for payment
He'd suck and he'd suck
Then he'd squat like a duck
Now there's nothing left but "Aids for Raymond"
There was a young girl named Monique,
Whose breasts were enlarged with plastique,
Her mate got in trouble,
When he fondled her bubbles,
And blew himself into next week.
There once was a man from devizes,
Whose balls were of different sizes...
One was SO small,
'Twas no ball at all,
And the other one won several prizes.
There once was a leper from Roppin,
Whose body parts oozed without stoppin,
When with a whore from Gallof,
His penis fell off,
She said it was nice of him, to drop in.
There was a young harlot at sea,
Who said "God how it hurts me to pee."
"That explains", said the mate,
"The physical state"
"Of the captain, the first mate, and me."
There was a young cow-girl named Mary,
Whose buttocks was big, brown, and hairy,
When she left her home,
The buffalo roamed,
And chased her all over the prairie!
There once was a pervert named Kyle...
Whose dreams were all necrophile,
Each night he would creep,
As he walked in his sleep,
And awoke in a burial pile.
There once was a guy at this school,
He thought he was incredibly cool,
he fucked all he could,
with anyone who would-
Now he drools from the end of his tool!
There once was a whore from Bologna
Who'd boil, pluck, peel and debone ya.
When she stripped mens bare skin,
She'd have it with gin.
And when it passed through she'd phone ya.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who's butt was so big he would truck it.
As he passed a toll booth,
Said to his wife,"Hey, Ruth,
With a little KY, you could fuck it!"
There was a young girl from Denver,
Said,"what do I need these men for?"
"I've got a good hand,
To play with my gland,
And thats all that I have a yen for."
There was a young lady from Britian,
On whom all the men were hittin'
She said with a grin,
"I know its a sin,
But on dicks, I really love sittin'!"
There was a young man from Nantucket,
Whenever he ate snatch he'd upchuck it.
'Cause once when he frenched,
He got totally drenched,
By a Dike who puked when she sucked it."
AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaawwww
Not on the keyboard...
There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said,"When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up to many screws.
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
Next, for all you professional people out there...
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said,"Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumber,"It's me!"
... and you wanted to be a civil engineer.
There was a young fellow from Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said the damsel, demure,
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back-
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
The king named OEdipus Rex
Who started this fuss about sex
Put the world in great pains
By the spots and the stains
Which he made on his mother's pubex!
"My back aches. My penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck anymore.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet;
And, my God! It's quarter to four!"
There was a young man named Cass
Who regularly fucked his girl's ass
She said, "I don't mind
it up my behind,
But it sure gives me a whole lot of gas!"
There once was a man from Angina
Who looked up the def of Vagina
It spoke in the dictionary
Of a flavor quite confectionary
But a smell and texture to slime ya!
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Well, I've sure got it in!"
Said she,"You mean that ain't your finger?"
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
Said a lecherous fellow named Shea
When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
And tease it, and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day."
There was a shepherd named Sam
who was quite an amoral man.
When his wife told him no
to the sheep he would go
and that's how V.D. began.
There once was a Priest from Siberia
Who did something very inferior
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior.
There once was a man from Mass.
Whose balls were made out of brass
When clanging together
They made frightening weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
Floating idly one day through the air
A circus performer named Blair
Tied a sizeable rock
To the end of his cock
And shattered a balcony chair.
There was a young man of Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
The scent - ah, that was a failure.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried his cum in a bucket.
When she asked what was wrong,
He said he had no schlong.
But she's rather slurp it than suck it.
Uuuuuuugh!
There once was a man from Eiling
who pounded his pud with great feeling
then like a trout he would stick his mouth out
and wait for the drops from the ceiling
There once was a man from Sidney
who could put it in up to her kidney
the man from Quebec put it in up to her neck
he had a big one didn't he
Here's one we all know
Ther once was a man from Nantuckett
who had a cock so long he could suck it
he said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin
if my ear were a cunt i would fuck it